Thursday, May 21, 2009

Moms: Darned if You Do, Darned if You Don't

Pick up your kid as soon as it cries? You're spoiling it!

Let your kid cry it out? You're a horrible, cold mother!

Formula in a bottle? Gross! Unnatural! Bad mom!

Can't breastfeed? Nonsense, everyone can! You didn't try hard enough, slacker!

Breast milk in a bottle? Nipple confusion! You'll ruin baby's jaw!

Breastfeed in public? Grossssss!

Breastfeed for more than a year? Time to cut those apron strings!

Breastfeed until your kid weens itself? You are obviously a dirty hippie!

Baby bundled up? TOO HOT!

Baby undressed? TOO COLD!

Letting baby sleep through the night? It won't get enough to eat!

Waking baby up to eat during the night? Never wake a sleeping baby!

Co-sleeping? Are you nuts? You will roll on baby!

Putting baby in a crib in a nursery? Meanie! Baby will get lonely!

Pumping? OMG oversupply!

Not pumping? What if your milk dries up!?!?!?!11?

Question your decision to have a baby? You were obviously never meant to breed!

Never question your decision to have a baby? You're a tool of a the patriarchy!

Enjoy your time away from baby? You cold-hearted bitch!

Cry when you're away from baby? Well, aren't you the needy one!

Put sunblock on baby? It better be over six months old, you chemical pusher!

Don't put sunblock on baby? Cancer alert!

Wear your baby? Oh, look how frou-frou YOU are!

Leave baby in its carrier? Neglect! Neglect!

Etc., etc.


Fatherhood, on the other hand? That's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

5 comments:

  1. My mother did every single one of the things in your list and I turned out simultaneously awesome AND horrible.

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  2. Reading backward through your archives while simultaneously moving forward in time through new-momness is soothing.

    Dads have all the fun. Even the babies know it.

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  3. You're so right, radlab0. *sniff*

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  4. This is a great post!

    I'm stopping by from SITS to say hi!

    Mimi

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh my gosh! So TRUE!! All of it drives me crazy!! Loved this post!

    Stopping by from SITS!

    ReplyDelete

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