Friday, December 24, 2010

Recovery Is Slow Going

When I woke up this morning I couldn't get out of bed without help. Literally, I tried and tried and finally had to call Tedd because I was so sore everywhere that sitting up was impossible. And last night I could hardly sleep because my throat was still so sore. These were not the after-effects I thought I'd have to cope with. I assumed that I'd have more cramping than anything else, and bleeding, too, but I've had no cramping at all and just the tiniest amount of bleeding.

Which is kind of disturbing because it makes the whole thing seem a little less real.

Cramping would really drive home the fact that I lost my babies. Instead, I'm left wondering if this all-over body ache is a side effect of the general anesthesia or something psychological. Wondering when my throat is going to stop burning. When the inevitable hormone crash is going to show up and knock me on my tush - mentally, I mean. Physically, I can hardly move or swallow, I don't want to eat anything (even though the BabbyDaddy made me a pretty arrangement of banana slices and dried berries), and I'm very weak.

In case you've been wondering how yesterday went down, here's a play-by-play: At 6 a.m. the alarm woke me up so I could take a doxy and a Xanax, and drink a big glass of water. At 11:30 a.m., we arrived at Tufts Boston, and I got my wrist band. Shortly thereafter, I was taken to pre-op, where I had an IV installed and was questioned about my health, allergies, and such. The only question that really killed was "How far along are you?" but they apologized for having to ask.

Fast forward to my getting something in my IV to relax me - whatever it was, it made things very funny. Then it was on to the operating room and oxygen and sleep. I don't remember waking up, I guess, but the first thing I remember is crying. I'd apparently been crying for about a half hour before that, and saying some very sad things that I'm not quite comfortable sharing here. According to the doctor, I had a hard time coming out of the anesthesia. My guess is that I didn't really want to wake up.

And now here I am, watching My Name Is Earl and reading the nice Christmas messages people are posting on Facebook, thinking about how lucky they all are.

Last night, I decided that from now on I'm going to tell people that I miscarried triplets. It's the truth, after all. While I didn't feel much emotion after learning that poor Baby C hadn't made it, the deaths of the other babies has changed how I look at everything that's happened. Especially since they were identical.

For the curious, from what my doctor could tell, they were girls. Samples are at the lab for chromosomal analysis, but chances are I would have had girls.

3 comments:

  1. It was heart-wrenching to read your account, so I can only imagine what it is like to go through it. I hope the writing is helping you heal.
    *cyber hugs*

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  2. @cm I know it and feel it from here.

    @Teresha Sharing is definitely helpful - and I kind of hope it might help other people. Miscarriage is still such a taboo subject and I want to break that taboo. Thanks so much for all your support.

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