Monday, April 18, 2011

Miscarriage Also Means Losing an Imagined Future

Can I do just the tiniest bit of whining? Just the smallest little wee bit? Please...?

Maybe you remember last week or so when I wrote about the things that were on my mind, like those last ten pounds and homemade giveaway. Another topic that was on my mind was the possibility of redesigning my blog, maybe a little, maybe a lot. Over the weekend I had this idea that the image in this post would, if cropped cleverly, make for a good header. So far, so good. Then I went looking for the image, and came across a folder labeled "Christmas and Thereafter." Wondered what was in it. Opened it.

Not so good.

You see, the images in that folder happened to all have been taken one or two days before I went, along with the BabbyDaddy and my mom, to the neonatologist. And that was the appointment where the twins brewing in my belly were declared dead. To make matters worse, everything that happened was bookended with Christmases. There were the naive and jubilent pre-Christmas celebrations in New York and then the terrible heartdead Christmas day where the BabbyDaddy and I spent most of the morning watching the Babby play with tears running down our faces.

coping with miscarriage

I open this folder of pictures, not knowing what it was, and there are faces of happiness and hope. Faces captured mid-word as they spoke toasts to babies already dead and never to exist. But we didn't know that, of course. 

In their minds and my mind, we were also simply walking the road that would eventually lead us to a beautiful moment in time in which we'd finally be introduced to a pair of babies who would share a triple stroller with the Babby and sleep side-by-side until they got too wiggly and maybe even wear silly onesies designed for twins.

*sigh*

The sadness I felt just then - and of course I couldn't help having a look at some of the pictures of the Babby opening presents - makes me wonder what next Christmas will be like. And my mom's birthday, too, since the diagnosis happened to crash down on us on her birthday of all days. Will we celebrate? Will I be able to? 

I just don't really know at this point.

9 comments:

  1. I like the new site design. And the photos you chose for your header. And I have nothing helpful to say about the rest. Except that I am heartsick that it happened and wish I could do anything to make the pain less.

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  2. Miscarriages suck. I know it might seem crazy, or maybe I'm just blocking it out, but I really don't remember the dates of my miscarriages... maybe that's a small bit of hope?

    The redesign is great, by the way :)

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  3. I am digging the blog makeover and the header photos are so sweet! I can clearly see that Babby is the perfect combo of Babby Mama and Babby Daddy.

    You know I share you heartache. Mine happened around Valentine's and I do wonder if that holiday will ever be the same. I wish I were psychic so I can tell you will confidence that you will be able to experience the joy of your mom's birthday and Christmas.

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  4. Oh, I know how you feel. I remember the day, so vividly in my mind, that my Midwife told me to go to the hospital so they could do an ultrasound because we couldn't find the heartbeat. I couldn't understand how she could have died and how I did not know?! It was a day that I will never forget and I hear the pain in your words as well. Losing children in the womb, where they are intended to be safe is hard but it makes us better Moms! I truly believe that. I had seven pregnancies and I have been blessed with three children who have fulfilled my life to no end. I pray that you may find the same happy ending.

    Visiting from SITS, make it a great day!

    * that day was nine years ago... and I think of her everyday. The pain becomes bearable but you will never forget.

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  5. @Audrey Thanks, hon, on both counts!

    @Courtney I think I'd have purposefully forgotten the date the diagnosis - that was my mom's birthday, so it's hard to forget. But the date of the procedure and stuff, no clue. Just "around Christmas" - not sure yet if that's better or worse than knowing the exact date. I figure I'll know at the end of this year. And thanks! (For the compliment and the support.)

    @Teresha Thanks! And thanks. I guess we can't know one way or the other what future holidays will bring, but if I had to guess, I'd say things will fade and holidays will be then not painful, but bittersweet, and then eventually something else?

    @Gaspegirl You're so right about that odd feeling of How Could I Not Have Known? But I also felt like I knew something was wrong. Thanks for your wishes of happiness - I wish the same for you!

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  6. *HUGE HUGE HUGS*

    Really don't know what else to say. Anything you need, I'm here for you. Especially if it involves drinks! Or chocolate. Or ice cream. Or hugs. I like all those things. :)

    I am just really amazed at how resilient you have seemed through all of that. I'm sure it was hurting a whole lot more than you let show. You're an amazing and strong woman. *HUGS*

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  7. How great that you have Babby already. I know that my children who are healthy and alive helped me get through my miscarriages. There are too many women out there who haven't been able to birth a healthy child, we are just so blessed! Please look at things as a blessing, your beautiful child is a strong reminder. I am sorry for your loss, it is beyond words to cure. You are a strong woman to have gone through it and come out the otherside. We are all challenged, these challenges change us, makes us into better people.

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  8. I know when my sister-in-law lost her baby, they were told to name him and have a memorial for his loss. When she speaks of children, she says she has 5, 4 living and one in heaven that she'll meet in person someday. She told me it helped a lot in the mourning process. And while the pain lessened, it never goes away simply because a family member was lost.

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  9. @Amanda Thanks for the amazing words - it's true, and I really appreciate the reminder on all counts.

    @LBDD I know not everyone shares my spiritual beliefs, but I do believe that the triplets are there waiting for me, somewhere, along with their guardian angel (who is not incidentally one of the people the Babby was named for). I do prefer to think of them as having been - or being - than never having been at all.

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