Can I do just the tiniest bit of whining? Just the smallest little wee bit? Please...?
Maybe you remember last week or so when I wrote about the things that were on my mind, like those last ten pounds and homemade giveaway. Another topic that was on my mind was the possibility of redesigning my blog, maybe a little, maybe a lot. Over the weekend I had this idea that the image in this post would, if cropped cleverly, make for a good header. So far, so good. Then I went looking for the image, and came across a folder labeled "Christmas and Thereafter." Wondered what was in it. Opened it.
Not so good.
You see, the images in that folder happened to all have been taken one or two days before I went, along with the BabbyDaddy and my mom, to the neonatologist. And that was the appointment where the twins brewing in my belly were declared dead. To make matters worse, everything that happened was bookended with Christmases. There were the naive and jubilent pre-Christmas celebrations in New York and then the terrible heartdead Christmas day where the BabbyDaddy and I spent most of the morning watching the Babby play with tears running down our faces.
I open this folder of pictures, not knowing what it was, and there are faces of happiness and hope. Faces captured mid-word as they spoke toasts to babies already dead and never to exist. But we didn't know that, of course.
In their minds and my mind, we were also simply walking the road that would eventually lead us to a beautiful moment in time in which we'd finally be introduced to a pair of babies who would share a triple stroller with the Babby and sleep side-by-side until they got too wiggly and maybe even wear silly onesies designed for twins.
The sadness I felt just then - and of course I couldn't help having a look at some of the pictures of the Babby opening presents - makes me wonder what next Christmas will be like. And my mom's birthday, too, since the diagnosis happened to crash down on us on her birthday of all days. Will we celebrate? Will I be able to?
I just don't really know at this point.