Thursday, April 7, 2011

More On the Changes I'm Experiencing As I Become a Working Mom


I've been mentally compiling the many ways becoming a working mother is changing my life. 

As I mentioned in an earlier post, there's the serious lack of time to work on personal projects. Not, of course, that the Babby was ultra keen on my sewing or cutting paper or, yes, working when I was a work at home mom, but at the very least I had naptime to work or sew or just sit and stare into space while recovering from the latest tantrum.

Now, not so much. But I can deal with that. First world crybaby problems, hello? I mean I'm essentially complaining that I can't fiddle around with my sewing machine modifying t-shirts I got for free so the Babby can enjoy a more stylish look. Yes, some people lose everything in earthquakes and tsunamis. And I can't find the time to make more owl shirts. Thinking about how selfish and silly I am makes me want to punch myself in the nose, for sure.

But what else, what else... becoming a working mother is turning me into even more of a worrywart, and not the practical kind who worries about money or whether the underside of the fridge needs vacuuming (which, of course, I already am). No, I lie awake in bed imagining scenarios of grave horror involving the people I care about, and when I tell my brain to stop, it just won't. 

I think this is what's called anxiety? 

As in obsessive anxiety, not like 'Oh, I'm so anxious about my upcoming dinner party." My mother suggested meditation, but I think I would rather just consult with my doctor to find out if Xanax XR® is right for me. Which, if these thoughts keep interfering with things like sleep and work (and flying on a plane without peeing my pants out of fear), I might actually do.

But the very saddest part of becoming a working mom is that someone else gets to spend the best hours of the Babby's day with her while I'm stuck at a reception desk - Note: I sit at the desk, I'm not a receptionist - writing about things like cancers that are fatal 100% of the time and fishing. That's not to say that the Babby and I don't have tons of fun in the afternoons, but the Babby is most definitely a morning person. 

Maybe more like a 9 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. person.

And after reading this post over at Attorney At Large I got all choked up thinking about how, when the weather was warmish and lovely, we used to wake up and have breakfast and then just wander or decide on the spur of the moment to go to the zoo or the beach or for a bike ride. *sigh* Not that spending all day with a toddler is like a unicorn party of rainbow candy, but I sure did like it better than working in an office.

Especially on really pretty days like today.

5 comments:

  1. I *know* where you are coming from because I am in your same position. My son and I have such fun together in the afternoons but I want the whole day and then feel selfish and then guilty and it's a lovely little cycle I could do without.
    thanks for posting this; I always need to hear about moms who go through the same things as me.
    gin

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  2. Thank you so much for sharing! It's nice to know that I'm not the only one in this boat!

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  3. I am digging your posts on going back to work and learning so much like it might not be the escape I think it might be.

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  4. @Teresha Hard to say until you've done it! Some people seriously loooooove going back to work :) Some people don't. Me? I worked from home for something like five years before I even had a baby because I don't need daily grownup socialization or to get out of the house. Probably wouldn't even if I didn't have a kid or a job since I am very good at amusing myself ;-) So I wouldn't really want to go to a "real" job no matter what my situation was!

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  5. I'd say this is my biggest fear about becoming a parent. And as we are trying I notice that its coming further and further to the forefront of my mind. Too bad I'll have no choice (if we want to eat more than Ramen!)

    Thanks for sharing AND stopping by my blog! :)

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