Thursday, September 22, 2011

Musings On My Dread of the Coming of the First Day of Fall

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first day of fall


Tomorrow is the first day of fall here in the Northern Hemisphere. And you can feel it coming. There aren't reds and golds among the green in the trees, but there's been a subtle color shift that's unmistakable. The whole family has been wearing sweaters for the first time in what feels like forever and also feels like no time at all.

You'll remember that this was my first summer not working for myself, so no more glorious long walks in the middle of the day or morning beach outings or simple meals out of doors under our big patio umbrella. Just the rush out the door and going back and forth between AC and the harsh humidity of outdoors. Rush rush rush. Remember, I worked on weekends for half the summer, too.

So it feels a little like I got robbed. Like summer was never really here.

I'm reading Game of Thrones and my heart lurches every time Ned or someone else says "Winter is coming." Because, yes, winter IS coming and coming quickly. A winter of shoveling snow to get to work, of afternoon's too dark to take the Babby out to play in the snow. The first winter in six years, I think, that I will feel cooped up. And that scares me so much.

Winter isn't here yet, though, and there's still most of one day of summer left.

I can't exactly savor it at this very moment, sitting here looking out into a damp parking lot, hungry and sad for reasons I don't want to go into. But at home there are flowers I picked from my own yard in a honey jar on the windowsill. There's juicy crisp wine and pastries left over from a probably too raucous night with friends. There's a two foot tall elephant waiting to be painted something ridiculous like fire engine red or dark purple or bright pink.

Things to make, too. I go back and forth between skipping Christmas entirely and not this year. The Babby is still too little to really care one way or the other. Toss a few presents her way, and she'll be jazzed in a way most grownups can't fathom. The tree? The ornaments? I can guarantee you she won't miss them, and I won't, either. Christmas morning last year saw us opening the most ridiculous presents I think we'd ever received while I cried and the Babby played with the ornaments like toys. 

I'd rather not relive it just yet and sitting here on the cusp of autumn, I'm just dreading watching the day tick over.

4 comments:

  1. I feel so so so the opposite about Autumn, it my favorite season. All my best magic happens then. But for me like you there is a sense of dread as the holidays approach. We are down to two grandparents (my mom and Jared's dad) who barely know each other. It all seems like awkward fumbling rather than the true joyous holidays I want for my family. But, one piece of advice I am giving myself, and you, is that only we have the power to change the pattern of our lives; to alter our lifestyle. Why can't you play in the snow in the dark? Why can't you find another another symbol (other than a tree)for this year's holiday season and maybe for future years? "Be the change you want to see in the world" and in your world too. Love to you.

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  2. You're right, I am being silly about the snow thing. No reason I can't, except being tired after work but I'm tired after work now, too, and we manage! I guess it's more than now when she gets home she's had a long, full day of doing stuff and being active, so now our afternoon time is downtime instead. I don't even know that she'll *want* to go out since she'll likely have been out plenty already! (That part makes me a little sad.)

    Still, not sure what I'll do about the holidays. Either way, we'll muddle through. Maybe I'll do a non-Christmas Christmas. Something festive but different. There's still time to think about it!

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  3. I can see how you must be dreading fall/winter when you feel robbed of summer! I don't look forward to winter because where I live, in Western Canada, we get a lot of snow and the temperatures dive to very low lows. Still, I do enjoy fall and wish it would last longer. Hope you find a way to make the most of it!

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  4. The changing seasons always triggers a little sadness in me. even though summer was unbearably hot here, I am going to miss tank tops and flip flops. Fall is okay. We get to play outdoors which is cool. I detest winters. I don't find anything special about snow. Love me some Christmas and New Year though.

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