Thursday, October 6, 2011

After a Miscarriage, Birthdays, etc., Canceled Until Further Notice

after a miscarriage

This morning, quite suddenly, I was reminded of how just about this time last year I was pregnant.

In fact, I took the revelatory pregnancy test on my birthday. And it was a lovely birthday present.

The ultrasound technicians discovered that it was a multiples pregnancy the day before Thanksgiving.

Another ultrasound technician diagnosed both babies as deceased on my mom's birthday.

I had a D&C performed under general anesthesia two days before Christmas and spent some hours in the emergency room with a fever on Christmas Eve.

So I'm canceling it all this year.

My birthday? Canceled. If you know when it is, please don't call or write or send a gift.

On Thanksgiving, maybe we'll order Chinese. I'm thinking I'll bury my head in the sand on my mom's birthday. Have a minimalist Christmas that's basically not Christmas. Or the BabbyDaddy can handle it and I can ignore it.

I know that every tragic thing happens close to some significant date. The first day of spring or the start of school. The fourth of July or Easter. Someone's birthday somewhere. Eventually, I'll get over it. But this is year one, so I'm hibernating through. And I'm counting on you to let me.

Let me make it to another significant date: Valentine's Day. And then I'll be okay, I think.


  1. I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending prayers.

  2. There's no right words to say, but one thing I've learned the last year myself that saying some words is all that matters. I hope that's the case here, because all I have to offer is I'm thinking of you.

    I think it is completely justified to opt to take a hibernation year. It's time to process and do things on your own terms.

    I've thought about anniversaries just a little coming up. Ours is more complicated as the day our daughter was born stillborn is the day our younger son was born alive as well. Her death was found 11/12/10, after a perfect anatomy scan of both of them at 24 weeks on 11/10/10, and it seemed likely that she had died on 11/11/10 based on those scans. I worked hard not to know that date for a few months until it registered in my head that Veterans Day is always on the same calendar day and so I was always going to know. I decided to consciously take a forward approach to it and I signed up to work the PTO pizza lunch at my older son's school that day this year.

    I imagine I'll always approach their birthday with some diametrically opposed feelings.

    But again, thinking of you...

  3. Saw your comment on SITS and felt compelled to come by.

    It's so tough when those moments that are supposed to me happy and festive just remind you of loss and sadness.

    My mom died suddenly on December 20th. We were numb with shock last Christmas, I am so worried this year will be raw- a gaping hole in our holiday.

    Think of you.

  4. You do whatever you need to do to heal yourself -- mentally, physically and spiritually. Big hugs to you, my friend.

  5. this muct have been a very difficult post to write so i can only image how difficult it has been to live through this. i am so so sorry for al lthat you've been through - no one should have to deal with these things, esp. around such supposed joyous occasions as holidays. i don't think anyone can fault you if you do truly decide to sticj your head in the sand for a bit. much love. ♥

  6. Thanks for this post. My daughter was diagnosed deceased 4 weeks ago today, I went home to wait for the miscarriage to complete. She was stillborn a week ago today, and today is my son's birthday. I want to bury my head in the sand, and make it all go away. It's hard to be joyful and celebrate the birth of my son, when I am still so newly grieving the death of my daughter.

    1. I am so sorry for your loss and I understand. Making it through my daughter's birthday a month and a half after my miscarriage took a Herculean effort on my part. The smile was plastered on my face, but I did it. I hope you make it through okay, and if you want to talk, you can find me at thebabbymama at


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