Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Same Old, Same Old

Yesterday, I felt this unimaginable weighty sadness right down to my bones.

It was voting day. Around 4 p.m. Dusk, now. The Babby and I took a stroller walk to our polling place, just like we've done for almost every election. Same old, same old.

This is the first time we've done it since I've been working, though. We walked a path around town that we haven't walked since before. 

And it felt strange.

At one point we were stopped, watching a fountain that the Babby called ghosts and the temperature felt so perfect. The kind of temperature you get at noon on an early spring day.

How many spring afternoons did she and I do almost nothing but walk? How many autumn mornings did she ride on my back or toddle through leaves as we explored the neighborhood? How many summer days were ours and ours alone to spend however we liked?

As we moved on from the fountain of ghosts, I stared up at big, bright moon and just regretted. Wrapped myself up in a big old shawl of regrets.

We talked a lot about reflections on that walk - "There aren't really two moons," she said, looking into the water - and I guess I was doing a little reflecting of my own.

These are sad times for me, and 2011 in general has been my saddest year.

saddest day of the year in 2011


  1. For what it's worth, we know a lot about the times of year that trigger feelings of loss (October, for M, was an unspeakable month for years, literally; we never even mentioned its name, but said generically "fall"). It will get easier. But I think your strategy for pulling in and weathering the holidays your way is a good one. It takes time.

  2. I miss those days, too. And I'd probably do them a little differently, looking back. And I wish I'd held onto them more while they were happening.


  3. @E.H. I figure if I stay somewhat ridiculously busy I'll come through on the other side having mentally missed most of it. It's a lot of things, though. A year ago, while things were close to falling to poo, I wasn't working in an office and I was all excited about the possibility of future baby or babies (don't recall which). Then the reality of our family finances came crashing down on me like an anvil in an old cartoon. And here I sit, not feeling particularly motivated to work but dressed like someone who does.

    @m0xiee You still have those days available to you, though, no? Hold onto them now while you can when you're not working full time! (Unless I missed something and you're working full time now, which could be the case for all I know.) Spend every moment you're not at work or doing school work wandering Salem with E. or doing some toddler led activity!

  4. I am sorry you have felt so sad. I have been having tremendous highs and lows since coming back home and it is not even a daily struggle but a moment by moment struggle. You will find different ways to pull through it but hoping things will fall into place for you soon. For us both.


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