Tuesday, March 26, 2013

You Know You're a Parent When...


you know you're a parent when
  • You'll put food coloring in anything if it means your kids will actually eat it. Blue milk? Why not.
  • You look at boogers and earwax and eye gunk as a personal challenge. It's really up there. Can I get it with the corner of my pinky nail? A little gentle digging aaaaand success! I'd never wish a cold on a baby, but when a baby has a cold, you can be I'll be there with fingers at the ready.
  • Sharing a lollipop... or a popsicle...or a piece of gum... or any other food typically enjoyed by one person and one person only suddenly feels totally normal. Yes, I'd love a lick of your ice cream cone.
  • A trip to the dentist to visit with the hygienist from hell - I'm talking about the really sadistic one whose nickname is The Claw - is like a mini vacation. Ditto for trips to the gyno. Going to the grocery story with your partner sans kids is practically a date.  
  • You catch vomit in your hand and your natural first impulse is to put it in your pocket and keep on shopping because the wipes are in the car and you've been out of milk for days and certain family members are getting close to staging a mutiny so you are NOT leaving the store without it.
  • It's less a question of 'Is there spit up on this?' and more a question of 'Is there too much spit up on this?' And no, I'm not talking about the baby's romper. I'm talking about work clothes.
  • The distinctive odor of newborn doody kind of makes you crave movie theater popcorn... or rotisserie chicken... or whatever else baby's milk sludge happens to smell like that day. Not think about. Crave.
  • The usual state of the bathroom door when you're 'doing a number one' is open. It's not unusual to have face to face conversations while pooping. Locking the bathroom door will only lead to a scene right out of The Shining. Here's Johnny!
  • Your bathing suit has a skirt on it, and that skirt is actually pretty conservative by the standards adhered to by high school girls. If you thought you could get away with it, you'd be wearing a 1920s bathing costume.
  • Sleeping until 7 is fantastic. Sleeping until 7:30 is just amazing. Waking up at 8, on the other hands, means checking the baby in a panic to make sure he's still breathing and then running downstairs to see what the bigger one is doing because there's not a chance she's sleeping and it's too quiet for anything good to be going on.
  • You find yourself having to fight the impulse to say things like "broked" and "pasghetti" and "helipopters" in calls with clients and convos with friends. And it's the potty, not the bathroom or the toilet or the restroom. No kids around? Still the potty.
  • Holding a doll or plushie long enough causes you to start spontaneously swaying back and forth or doing the mama bounce. You rock empty strollers out of habit.
  • Driving is a like a video game where you need to beat the red lights because stopping means that your littlest passenger who hasn't slept in what feels like forever will start screaming bloody murder and no, you don't care what the person behinds you thinks about your blinking brake lights because pumping those suckers might just rock the baby to sleep.
  • People look at you first when they need a band-aid or a tissue or a napkin or a hair tie or a safety pin or a piece of gum or a cough drop or a diaper. You've had random moms at the zoo ask you if you have formula or a spare nipple. And you never are more than arm's reach from wet wipes.

8 comments:

  1. Haha LOVE this. The joys of being a parent. I wonder if our two year old would eat pasta if I colored it?

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    1. Could be! Weirdness can work wonders when it comes to picky eaters :)

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  2. My neck is hurting from all the head nodding on this one!! Oh my LORD, yes!! To every.single.item on this list!

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  3. I was laughing along replaying in my head a scene yesterday in which I picked my daughter's booger and it was so large that I quite honestly think it's the biggest booger I've ever seen. And I say that each time, but this one had its own zip code, I told her. She was proud.

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  4. LOL! great morning reading and I can relate to almost ALL of them- yup it's no longer the bathroom but the potty and yes I've come to dread and fear red lights when there's the baby in the car- he HATES stopping. And your food/snacks/drinks etc is no longer your own- you must share or suffer the consequences...

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  5. Don't forget never having a private shower lol

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  6. f.u.n.n.y! you nailed it! I have a couple of mini-vacations coming up next week with the eye doctor and the tooth doctor. ha ha!

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