Friday, October 16, 2015

Sometimes I'm Too Tired

Sometimes I'm too tired to make a decent meal and the thing that I know without a doubt my kids will eat is fries and a shake from Burger King.

Sometimes when it comes time to sing my kids to sleep I get secretly annoyed because I have to do this every night and I'm still tired - and then I remember that someday too soon P. will say, "I don't need you to sing to me tonight" and just like that that part of parenthood will be over.

Sometimes when I'm not near my kids I don't miss them. And sometimes when I am near them I miss the tiny babies they used to be.

Sometimes I want my daughter to grow up to be exactly like me. At other times, I pray that she grows up nothing like me.

Sometimes I am so focused on capturing the moment in pictures that I get in the way of the joy of the moment for my whole family.

Sometimes I think about how easy it was before my oldest started to really grow up - before school and dance and before Hello Mamas. Before I had to go back to work. I think back to the days when my phone wasn't smart and we'd wander around our neighborhood with nothing better to do than fill our jacket pockets with rocks.

Sometimes I use TV as a babysitter because sometimes I'm too tired to parent. But at other times I just want to sit and watch Rescue Bots and so that's what we do together.

Sometimes I can't get the idea of moving back to NYC or to Berlin out of my head because I want to live anywhere but in the suburbs, and then I remember that when you're raising city children every excursion is a proper outing.

Sometimes I worry about what it would be like for my daughter if I suddenly died. I wish those kind of thoughts wouldn't pop into my head.

Sometimes I imagine what life would have been like with just one child or even none. Then I imagine what it would be like with five children because that is a thing that could have happened.

Sometimes I am too tired to fold the laundry. I'm actually too tired to fold the laundry a lot.

Sometimes I feel bad about how much money dance costs, and how most of that money is money I am spending on my own hobby.

Sometimes I wish I could lose 20 pounds but then I remember that losing weight doesn't actually change much.

And sometimes I pick apples in the fall.

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