The Christmas season is pretty loaded for me. Everything brings me back to my miscarriage, from Facebook's 'On This Day' feature to old blog posts that pop up as featured.
I found out the babies had passed right after an early Christmas trip to NY and, worse, on my mom's birthday. The following year, I threw myself into merry-making with abandon. We handmade as many of the gifts as we could. I decorated more than I did in any prior year. I was determined to erase the dark stain on the previous Christmas.
And I'm still doing it, to some extent. When the tree trimming didn't go so smoothly this year I didn't handle it very well. I got upset about some silly stuff after the mister got upset about some silly stuff and then I mentally peaced out of the festivities. The day was redeemed but it was strike one for Christmas in my head.
I tried explaining myself to the mister but while he gets it, I don't think he really gets it - and that's no shame on him because what I really mean is how can he get it when we're talking about something taking place in my head and in my heart?
What I can say is that so far the Christmas season has been pretty kind to me. The kids love their Playmobil advent calendars and we got the Playmobil nativity set, too. Because they can't help playing with it anyway, so why not make it a toy?
We've already received a lot of nice presents from family and the holiday show is this Saturday. The weather has been gorgeous, too. Everyone is (mostly) happy and (mostly) healthy so I really can't complain.
As for what I want for Christmas this year? I want to wake up in new pajamas and eat cinnamon buns and then I want to open presents and spend the rest of the day watching movies on the living room floor while presents are played with. And then I want to eat Chinese food for dinner and not have to do any dishes. That sounds just about perfect. Add in a couple of snow flurries and it would be spectacular.
Here's hoping your holidays have been merry and bright so far and that the rest of your year - regardless of what you celebrate - is warm and wonderful!