Wednesday, October 19, 2016

What am I Even Doing Here?

Hold onto your hats, people, because shit's about to get real.

Have you ever felt like you don't belong in your own story anymore?

That's how I'm feeling right now.

Part of it is that right now I haven't been sleeping in my own bedroom but rather spending the night in my son's room because doing that was supposed to help everyone get enough sleep.

And maybe I am getting more uninterrupted hours but now the only reason I'm ever in my bedroom is to grab clothes and occasionally fold a load of laundry that ended up in there.

I'm guess I'm sleeping but I wake up with this untethered feeling like I never actually went to bed because, well, I didn't. The ritual of going to bed is just gone and so it feels like I don't sleep even when I do.

The end result is that I am sleepwalking through life right now.

That's bad enough for one Wednesday, right? But there's more.

I have a husband who doesn't need me. I mean legitimately, I have no idea what he needs me for.

Sure, he needs me for practical things like vacuuming the carpet in the finished basement and feeding the children. But a cleaner and a nanny could  do those things.

He doesn't need me for fun - at least I have to assume that he doesn't because he never says let's play some cards or let's sit outside with a cup of tea or did I show you this video or anything like that.

We could play video games or board games (and we probably would if I suggested it) but me being the only one to put it out there gets old. 

He doesn't need me for conversation. I know this because I haven't felt like talking much recently and it turns out that if I don't keep a stream of conversation going there just is no conversation.

It's so quiet, which frankly gives me the heebies because I don't exactly come from a quiet family and besides this isn't the comfortable quiet of two people in synch. It's the loaded quiet where I wonder how I never noticed that he doesn't want to share details of his day or things he's noticed about the world - and why is that, anyway? Was it always like that?

And he doesn't need me for sex. Sorry if that's a little too frank but it is what it is.

So what exactly is the point of me around here, anyway?


I could fade clean away and things would march on pretty much as they have been with a few added logistical complications and somewhat dirtier basement. And frankly, it's not a good feeling.


1 comment:

  1. I don't have answers, but I have sympathy for the rollercoaster of marriage. We'd been together 16 years before pH came along, but silly us, life only got harder then b/c of the husband's job. Our darkest days were during our daughter's childhood, and it's only now we're coming out of it. I don't know if this is comforting or not...but just know someone out on this coast is hoping things improve. *hugs*

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