I don't really know how to talk about what I'm about to talk about, so I'm just going to jump right in. I had my 12 week ultrasound - part of a consultation with the perinatalogist - and found out that both of my babies died about a week ago.
What that means is that later this week I will drive into Boston to have my cervix opened with laminaria (a sort of seaweed stick that absorbs liquid and swells), and then the next day, the BabbyDaddy, my mom, and I will drive back into Boston where I will be put under general anesthesia and... something. Honestly, I don't have words for it.
Mainly because the words that come to mind sound so absolutely insensitive. "The issues will be taken care of" or "I will be cleaned out" or something terrible like that.
So, yeah, both my babies - the ones with the great little heartbeats - passed away. Of course, there's no way of knowing why, but the perinatalogist theorized that because they were identical twins sharing a sack, their death was related to one or more of the complications that can strike identical twins. Like twin-to-twin transfusion and so on. But a chromosomal karyotype may tell us more since studies show that somewhere between 50% and 75% of first-trimester miscarriages involve chromosome problems.
I'm not ashamed to say that myself, the BabbyDaddy, and my mom went out for a drink afterward. I just wasn't ready to face the world entirely sober. And if you're someone who's reading this wondering why my mom called you and not me or wondering why I didn't call you myself, well, chalk it up to the fact that I'm not ready to talk about it myself yet.
Right now, I'm still processing the fact that I'm not going to have two babies or even one baby come springtime. The fact that all the things we thought would be a big deal - the car being two small, needing a triple stroller, etc. - are no longer concerns. The fact that the poor BabbyDaddy is trying to be so supportive of me when I know he's hurting, too, and I really don't know how to handle that part of things.
The weird thing is that this isn't at all like the death of a person - it's more like the death of the idea of two people. There was this whole big complicated awesome thing waiting for me in the future, and now that thing isn't waiting for me and the future looks just a little more bleak than it did 24 hours ago when I didn't know that the babies inside of me had passed away.
Oh, Christa, I am so so sorry. I wish there were something I could do for you right now, but I know there isn't. You, Tedd and Pidge are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteOh I am so sorry, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteI am so, so sorry for your losses. I'll be thinking of you and your family.
ReplyDeleteChrista, I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteIntellectually, you probably know the following things, but emotionally, I'm sure things are different, so here goes:
This is not your fault.
Don't let anyone (even you) try to tell you how to feel, how long to mourn, or what to do while you're processing what happened (Including drinking, not talking to people, etc.).
It really is okay to be a complete jerk if someone says something wildly (or even mildly) inappropriate about this. You don't have to be superhuman, or even nice.
I'm going to stop typing now, but please, if you ever need to talk, don't hesitate.
Oh god. :( I don't even know what to say. :( ::big hugs::
ReplyDeleteI want to send you guys all the love I can possibly muster. We're here and thinking of you all and wishing there was some way to help.
ReplyDeleteSweetness, when you are ready to talk about this... and it might be weeks or even months, please let me know. I've been somewhere very similar (a few times now) and I know it hurts to the middle of who you are. We don't live in a society that promotes discussion about miscarriage, even though it's just as difficult as any kind of mourning. I'll be praying for a speedy physical and smooth emotional recovery for you and the family.
ReplyDeleteSo much love. I join the ranks of people offering anything we can possibly do, up to and including just leaving you the hell alone.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Christa. You and Tedd are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteYou have my love and are in my thoughts, as is Tedd and the Dove.
ReplyDeleteOh no... there are no words.
ReplyDeleteWhen you have a miscarriage, people come out of the woodwork and are willing to share their stories. With the statistics so high, almost every woman who has born children will have something to share with you.
Don't feel bad AT ALL if you don't want to vocalize it right now-- I think that's the hardest part. For me, it was much easier to write about it than talk about it. I did not want to have to look someone in the eyes and try not to bawl uncontrollably about it. And I didn't want anyone to tell me that it would be okay.
If you need to talk to someone about the "how" part of a D&C or whatever you decide to do, let me know... I've experienced a couple of different ways and I do have some thoughts about it. But it's okay if you don't even want to think about it!
Oh no. My heart is breaking for you. Sending you all our love...
ReplyDeleteI am so, so sorry for you and Tedd.
ReplyDeleteTalk about it only when you're ready and don't feel guilty about not talking about it until you are ready.
Hugs to you.
I know there is nothing I can say to give you and your husband comfort. I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that I will hold your family (all 5 of you) in my thoughts and prayers
ReplyDeleteLooks like we miscarried around the same time last year. Mine was on Christmas Eve and one baby as far as I know. I was finally getting over the fear factor that we would never retire because of having another baby in our forties and embracing the excitement of a new baby again. So , yes, it was very disappointing. I'm sorry for you because I understand how your hopes get dashed. I mentioned it in my blog but never talked at length. I'm glad you did.
ReplyDeleteIm so so sorry you suffered this terrible loss, you describe the emotions so well, just how i felt, feel. Thanku for sharing xxxxx
ReplyDeleteI wish no one but me ever had to go through it, but I'm glad you found me and we could connect. I'm sorry for your loss.
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